Journal 371

Things are slowing down in Lorne as winter begins to set in. Yesterday was practically a ghost town. The rain was falling and there was not a soul in the street. It was certainly a far cry from the thriving hustle and bustle of last week. Of course in the state of Victoria, come April/May the atmosphere changes. Unlike the Northern states, this one has changes in the seasons. The temperatures plummet and in some parts there is even snow.

I thought about what I was doing this time last year. My weekend in Byron Bay, which honestly seems like years ago. Funny how that happens, memories fade into a hazy blur and you lose perception of exactly how, where or when certain events took place. But as long as all the good memories are all stung together I don't think it matters. My hay blur is full of great things, not just from the past year but many other things; nights out with friends, family meals, my first stint living away from home, causing havoc on yachts and swimming in the harbour at 2 am. All the exciting things that make me glad I'm doing what I'm doing.

I realised I'm absolutely free to do anything that I wouldn't ordinarily dream of. I'm already out of my comfort zone, so I may as well push myself a little further out of it and push the boundaries. Make mistake and learn by them, finding out things about myself I didn't know and maybe (hopefully) become a better person for it. After all, who's there to judge me or stop me? Only me really. I'm the only one who's going to say no. I'm trying to be the best version of myself, so by doing new things and occasionally being the worst version I won't achieve that. So long as I learn from the bad things that it's not how I want to be, then I figure I'm improving.

What a great way to understand yourself, by leaving your comfort zone. Testing your strengths and weaknesses, evolving in ways you never thought you could. It's a wonderful form of enlightenment, you grow personally and you begin making connections to people that are unlike yourself. When you do something out of character for you, its highly likely that it is within the character of another, meaning you can empathise with a broader range of people. You can share your wisdom knowledgeably about the situation. Having these experiences has great social perks. You can spark conversations with people and right then, you make a new relationship with a new person.

I love talking to people with intelligence, it makes me feel smarter. You may not think intelligent people are very common these days. Perhaps that's only because you don't share a common ground with them. The more you have experienced in life the more you have to talk about and in turn the more people to talk about it with. You know when you talk to somebody you just met, but it feels like you've known them for years? I think that's the underlying 'common ground'. You can both sense its there which is why you talk with such ease. Maybe I'm talking utter shit, but I do think there are people who get that feeling more than others and those people I also believe are the ones who are more open-minded. Not just about the thought of different experiences, but because they have actually been in those situations. I know a couple of people who I would describe as 'Older than their years' Absolutely fascinating people. The type I would be happy to converse with for days. They have done more than your average 'twenty-something' and it shows in the way they hold themselves and their conversation.

I get the feeling that these people are often finding strangers, but had that 'common spark' ignited.

Journal 370 - Australia

Over a year has passed.
This morning I was looking through old photos, the kind which used to bring me a kind of sadness. But today I looked at them and remembered what was good. Not in a way that meant I wanted that life back, but in a way that meant I was happy that I had good memories, that I could keep hold of the good ones without letting the bad ones cloud it anymore.

Last night I changed my hair colour. This might not seem that monumental to some of you, but for me, my hair colour has always had a huge impact on me. How I'm feeling, what I do, who I am to an extent. about eighteen months ago, all I wanted to do was be a blonde. I felt it would be a great way to get rid of who I was at that time. To start afresh and be somebody I hadn't been for almost three years. We all go through those phases. Well I went through the transition of dark, to red to ginger to blonde. So finding myself took a fair few attempts and bottles of dye. but it happened. Then a few weeks ago, I decided change was on its way again. I was in fact attempting a trick I had read on Google, to make my hair a permanent shade of lilac. However after leaving the dye on for a little too long I have ended up with dark, plum coloured hair.

I'm not worried about the mistake at all. In fact, I think its better that I lost track of time and ended up with a result I was't expecting. I suit being dark. I'm happier and more confident with dark hair. In the last few weeks as a blonde, I had started to notice my self esteem issues were becoming more apparent. I was realising they were there, which is never a good sign. I suppose you might think I'm silly for that way of thinking, but whatever, I decided a confidence boost was in order.

Then last night my housemate came in from work and decided she was going to give me a makeover and photo-shoot. Which was fun. She fascinates me with what she can do with a make-up brush. Its made me realise I could certainly put more effort into my own appearance. This coupled with a conversation I had with Jay, about life goals and dreams I have thought more about studying. To follow my passion again with Special Effects/ Stage Make-up. I may be 24 now, but it's never too late to learn new things. And if these learning curves are the beginning of following your dreams then there is even more reason to do it.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting closer to what I set out to do in the first place; finding my place and goals. Finding my passion. Being on my own has helped that. You can only go along with somebody else's plan for so long. If you don't make time for what you want, eventually you forget. Don't make it too late before you are reminded of it and start thinking along the lines of 'What If'. Nobody wants to be resented . Be who you are and be loved by people who encourage the growth of who you are.

Journal 365 - Australia.

Today is another new start for me. At the start of the week I was totally unsure as to whether I would be staying in Australia or having to fly home to the UK and not being prepared for the latter at all. I had a huge panic. With my possessions being dotted across the borders of Victoria and New South Wales, I knew that I would have no time to arrange my things and pack and go home. Part of that was knowing that I didn't really want to do that. But I had been leaving things to the last minute, meaning that I hadn't applied for my second year Visa yet and time was running out.

As some of you may know, the Visa applications over here can be a little tricky at times. You have to stick to the guidelines and do what you're told. One of those guidelines states that you must be in the country you were in at the time of application, when your visa is granted. Which is why I was panicking. Did i go home and apply for the visa there, or risk the potential three week waiting time for paperwork to be processed and apply here in Australia. This dilemma niggled at me for a few days. Then after a few tantrums and a trip to Melbourne later, I applied on Wednesday morning. In about ten minutes, easy peasy.

Then for the waiting game. The sick feeling and thoughts of rejection running through my head. It was not fun. Then of course realisiation dawned that I STILL hadn't packed for my flight. Which I was determined not to take. besides, I couldn't leave the country now. It wasn't the most pleasant 12 hours I had experienced. The next morning, I checked my Emails. And there it was, my Grant for an extra twelve months.

The feelings I had were not dissimilar to the ones I had experienced around this time last year, when I had applied for my first year. I had to check it, and double check it, then double check it a few more times. You might say I was in disbelief. In less than a day my Visa had been granted. All my panic was unnecessary. My shock continued most of the day. I joked to my sister about not getting it, that the Immigration wanted me to go in for an interview, because of a few problems they had encountered. It was a little cruel but still funny. (Sorry Lou-Lou)...

But this morning I'm in the stage of excitement. Working out where to go next, what I'm going to see. I'm still in Lorne right now. Its a pretty little town, but the rain has begun to set in. Winter is coming. I would be happy for winter if there was a chance of going to the snow, but I have no work just yet, so once I've earnt some money, I think I will chase the sunshine. Head to the coasts and stick to the beaches., after all, I can't come all this way without at least trying to surf, can I?

But a piece of advice to anybody wanting to travel, make sure you are completely organised. I'm not saying plans have to be set in stone, you never know where the mood will take you, who you will meet or what you'll love doing the most. But when it comes to paperwork, flights, and all the 'boring' stuff, never leave it to the last minute.

journal 354 - Australia

Its been a month since I last wrote. On paper at least. I've had a lot happening. Over this last month I have moved put of the security of my sister and brother in law. I'm making a start on my own. I have a job, a car, a place to stay. I'm basically just relying on myself now. I have just turned another year older. I'm twenty-four.

It wasn't a lavish, monumental celebration. I had a beer and some cake and that really, was all. It was pleasant. This is the first birthday I've had without family or friends. It also made me realise how my perspective has changed. My life plan has changed, from back when I was seventeen, thinking I'd be engaged by now, married by twenty-five and having children by twenty-six. Because at seventeen I already thought I had done all there was to do, and knew the important stuff.

Wrong. Of course I was. At seventeen, twenty four was ancient. Now I'm here I realise its not even close. I didn't know then that my tastes would change or that I would want to see the world, snowboard, surf and make friends in different places. I didn't realise then how young I was. I don't realise now how young I still am probably.

I have realised how important it is to take in each moment though. Not to put a time limit on achieving the things you want to do in life. Each thing happens as and when it is meant to. Its time to focus on one thing in its entireity first, before rushing on to the next thing, with no appreciation for the last.

Since turning twenty four, I've decided to focus more on myself and the things I am doing. To travel properly and enjoy each and every moment. To focus on my health, for example, a year ago, I was going to quit smoking. I didn't. I used to go to the gym a few times a week. I've stopped. I want to be healthy, fit, presentable. I want more memories than I can actually fit in my head. I want to improve myself. Call these my new years resolutions. I know most people do these at the start of the new year, in January. But this is the start of my new year. Lets see how far I can go in 365 days.