Journal 280 - Australia

This morning I read my Angel Cards. This is often something I like to do. It clears my head and straightened things out. Occasionally I don't like the outcome, but generally I feel content. The answers given today were the latter. Exercising, creativity, following my heart, water and talking about feelings. A few of these were repeat cards, meaning I really did need to get my butt in gear and follow these cards.

I am currently debating on a change of scenery. I'm halfway through my farm work, but I'm feeling its time to find somewhere new. I feel, again, like I've lost some independence somewhere along the way. I'd like something for me, something new. I'd like a little more income as I can't continue living on what I do now. I'd like a fresh experience, new people, new sights. A change. After all I'm travelling, I'm not supposed to be in one place. The farm work is designed to help you move from place to place. I'm classified as a 'backpacker' and I'm hardly doing any backpacking.

In truth, I've had no need to spread my wings. Having family here to fall back on makes it all to easy to stay in one place, even more so taking a job in the place. But work shoukdnt be keeping me somewhere, I can find work anywhere in the country. Its nothing like at home where there are barely any opportunities. There's plenty of those here and I've been letting them pass me by. But as the say, one door closes and another opens.

Teddy told me ' you're able to explore each door or window that opens til you find something that works for you. Just enjoy the ride and journey'. And once again, teddys words of wisdom are so true. Sometimes doors get closed on you, sometimes you close them yourself but that's because the time has or is coming to open a new one.

I think everyone that experiences this knows how to tell that change is coming. It feels normal, it feels right. Its scary even when its not scary at all.

I know its time, I've had the symptoms and been through the motions. Its time to close this door, head down the corridor and find out what's going on without me behind the next one.

Journal 266 - Australia

It's Monday morning, I'm not sure f I've woken up hungover or still drunk. Day five (or maybe more) of non-stop drinking. I knew I wouldn't be able to leave it alone out here. I have been more strong-willed than I thought but obviously not enough to avoid Sunday-Funday with drinking games from 4.30, shots by 5 and jumping in the river by 7pm.

Yep, my head is definitely still spinning. It's been an odd few days. New people have been coming and going and I have not been my usual confident self. I've been lacking. Not quite all there. I've had silly thoughts in my head. My list of goals were off to a good start. I was smiling more, chatting more. Then it all stopped, I couldn't be bothered anymore. I didn't see the point in trying to make a good first impression. It wasn't worth it. I'd already screwed that up with somebody that mattered. I went into one of my holes again.The place had become a bit crazy and I couldn't handle it. There has been so much drama happening and it's almost been too much for me.

Then I got another bout of homesickness. It was rather overwhelming again this time. I'd gotten over it and was happy having contact with a select few friends on a regular basis. Then a few others began popping up. People I hadn't spoken to in a few months. It got my brain ticking again.
I had thought I'd crossed that bridge. I now realise I am in fact, well and truly on it. I also know I don't have any real desire to get off of it now. The tiniest thing just gave me a glimmer of hope. A rush of excitement for a possibility that might not even be there. In truth, it really doesn't matter right now.

What happened has just pulled me up emotionally and made me feel a lot better in a sense. I needed that. I was afraid I might end up carrying on with my self-confidence plummeting. I'm not sure this person knows who they are but they have done me the world of good just now. Now I just want to carry on in this state. I can't stand being at a low. Perhaps it's just been a heightened sense of cabin fever. Two weeks on this crazy farm is a long time. A break from it is healthy sometimes.

Maybe I won't give up on this again. I'll hold onto it because it makes me happy, for now at least. I'll get back on track with my goals. I can't worry what people are thinking. I will continue to give a good first impression. I hope anyway. Now things seem to have calmed down. I'll be having a break fairly soon. I'll be refreshed and ready to go again. I have plenty to look forward to and it feels like things are on the up.

I just had a little crazy relapse. Time for a bit of detoxing, both physically and emotionally.

Wish me luck.

Journal 252 - Australia

New Years Day. The beginning of another New Year. An opportunity to start afresh. Ill be honest, I don't really feel that fresh at all, I've only had about four hours of sleep, which was broken. And with my body clock I cannot sleep past eight am these days.

Still, last night was wonderful. A very small gathering, low key and not filled with any expectations, as is the norm for new years eve. Of course the 'low-key part was out the window once the spa was full and the boat pulled into the driveway with its sub-woofer speakers. Last night I rang in the New Year in my bikini in the spa with bubbles and alcohol. I could have gone to Sydney or another high profile city event, but I would have been alone and the memories would not have been the spa
As with every New Year that comes and goes, and even more so now I am getting older, I'm marveling at how fast that 365 days passes us by. This time last year I had only just made my plan to leave the UK and travel Australia. And now I'm eight months in. Scary stuff.

Each year I try to write down my goals/predictions for where I see myself that following year. They say if you write something down, you are more likely to achieve it. This last year I know I haven't achieved everything that was in that letter but it certainly helped me along.

• Try new things - The first one I wrote down. I have successfully become less picky with foods, I've snowboarded, wake-boarded, fed wild Kangaroos amongst many other things. 
• Go to Australia - Well this goes hand in hand with the first. I'm here right now, living and breathing it. When I first set out I though that a year would be my lot, that I would want to go home afterwards knowing that I had done it. I didn't expect I would want to travel anywhere else in the world. I thought I would go home and stay there for my whole life. 

But something has changed. By taking this first step, I have found that there are even bigger ones to make. That phrase, 'places to go, people to see' comes to mind. By travelling thousands of miles across the world I discovered there was more to life that small town politics. There's a world full of unknown dreams and sights that I never imagined possible. 

I'm not really one for New years resolutions. They always get broken. Its like an unwritten rule. I truly believe that when the time is right to change something, the time is right now, why wait for a 'New Year New Me'? But my list of goals for this year is hugely different to what it was last year. It's bigger. Last year was just the baby steps to what I am becoming. This year is set to be bigger, better and more exciting than any others. And hope all my lists in years to come only prove to out do each other. After all, it is merely my way of becoming the best version of myself that I can be. 

And who wouldn't want to be that person?