It's Monday morning, I'm not sure f I've woken up hungover or still drunk. Day five (or maybe more) of non-stop drinking. I knew I wouldn't be able to leave it alone out here. I have been more strong-willed than I thought but obviously not enough to avoid Sunday-Funday with drinking games from 4.30, shots by 5 and jumping in the river by 7pm.
Yep, my head is definitely still spinning. It's been an odd few days. New people have been coming and going and I have not been my usual confident self. I've been lacking. Not quite all there. I've had silly thoughts in my head. My list of goals were off to a good start. I was smiling more, chatting more. Then it all stopped, I couldn't be bothered anymore. I didn't see the point in trying to make a good first impression. It wasn't worth it. I'd already screwed that up with somebody that mattered. I went into one of my holes again.The place had become a bit crazy and I couldn't handle it. There has been so much drama happening and it's almost been too much for me.
Then I got another bout of homesickness. It was rather overwhelming again this time. I'd gotten over it and was happy having contact with a select few friends on a regular basis. Then a few others began popping up. People I hadn't spoken to in a few months. It got my brain ticking again.
I had thought I'd crossed that bridge. I now realise I am in fact, well and truly on it. I also know I don't have any real desire to get off of it now. The tiniest thing just gave me a glimmer of hope. A rush of excitement for a possibility that might not even be there. In truth, it really doesn't matter right now.
What happened has just pulled me up emotionally and made me feel a lot better in a sense. I needed that. I was afraid I might end up carrying on with my self-confidence plummeting. I'm not sure this person knows who they are but they have done me the world of good just now. Now I just want to carry on in this state. I can't stand being at a low. Perhaps it's just been a heightened sense of cabin fever. Two weeks on this crazy farm is a long time. A break from it is healthy sometimes.
Maybe I won't give up on this again. I'll hold onto it because it makes me happy, for now at least. I'll get back on track with my goals. I can't worry what people are thinking. I will continue to give a good first impression. I hope anyway. Now things seem to have calmed down. I'll be having a break fairly soon. I'll be refreshed and ready to go again. I have plenty to look forward to and it feels like things are on the up.
I just had a little crazy relapse. Time for a bit of detoxing, both physically and emotionally.
Wish me luck.
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