Options and Choices

Oh dear.
I'm not on one of the best ones today. I'm up and down and all over the place. I'm not sure why. I've been having such a busy few days I should barely have had time to think about how I feel really. But this holiday has led me down more of a 'thinking about stuff' path than I wanted.

I have done so much this week, I'm exhausted. Maybe that it why my head is running wild. I don't have the energy to stop it from thinking about all the things I can normally control. Turn off. Not worry about. And I'm not sure I like it.

Some of the things in my head have been wonderful. And the point is, I'm on a road of discovery. I'm finding myself. I'm not really much closer to it but I'm getting there. I think. I had a conversation with a friend, regarding business. And we've always said we'll do it. It's just that I'm not sure what I want.
Do I want to be self employed. A successful business woman, alongside a wonderful and dear friend.
Or do I want to work my way up in my current field. Excel in that and not have to worry so much about all the junk like overheads and stock costs?

I'm always wondering to myself why on earth I completed a course and then never got into the field in full swing. I've always dabbled. But never fully committed. Partly because I've never been given the chance and partly because I'm too lazy to allow anyone to give me the chance. Another problem I have is that I am unable to let things happen in their own time. I want things and I want them NOW. I want to be amazing at something that I have been doing for 10 minutes.

It doesn't work like that. Things take time to flourish. Practise makes perfect and all that. I haven't gotten to the real decision making point just yet. I'm damn close. I must be as I have at least realised that there is a decision to be made. An option to pick. I suppose I will always be worried about whether I've done the right thing. Aren't we all. Isn't there always a little hint of doubt in the back of our minds.

But if we had a looking glass that helped us see into the future before we made that crucial choice, life would be boring. The right thing to do is just to focus on what we want in our lives, at that moment in time, and strive for it. Things might change along the way. Its part of growing up.
When I was at school, I wanted to be a teacher. Or in some sort of child care. Now though, small children scare me and make me want to run a mile.

Taking a few baby steps to bring things into focus is a start for me. I'm not ready to take a huge leap just yet. I'm not ready to face the things in my head. I'm not ready to tell all the things that I probably should do. I'm too scared. I'm not ready to be let down by something so huge. Something that could possibly mean the world to me. I'm not ready to be broken just yet.

I'll leave the things out that I want to say. Just for now. It doesn't matter. When the time is right, I will be brave. I will open myself up.

For now I will bring in the other things I need. And not the things I want.

~IAY~