You were there last night. Right next to me. In my dream. You were there. It was divine. But you're not here now.
I don't think I'm quite myself today. I'm not quite with it. I have had some terrible emotions flow through me today. Last night I went to a yoga class. A full one, not like the ones I used to do at home, with a mix of Thai Chi and Pilates. No last night I did the real thing, with Namaste prayer and all of it. It felt wonderful at the time. I even found my place of meditation, or at least I think I did. I hoped it would put me at ease with myself and I would find my inner peace. But today I just found myself introverted. I've been so happy the last few months, I'm not entirely sure why this feeling of deflation today.
Perhaps the class brought me to myself. Maybe it is just that there are a few things I need to work through. I need to let go of some things in my mind a little bit. Perhaps I just feel grouchy because of the niggling little headache I've had for the most part. Or maybe I just need to get away for a while. The stresses of settling into a new workplace could be tiring for me. I'm not doing too many hours or anything, but the pressure of getting everything right is quite full on. I'm taking a learning curve in something I really already know how to do. It's just that I'm rusty. I'm being watched to make sure my work is always on form. And rightly so, there is a name too keep up and I wouldn't want to ruin a reputation. It doesn't look good, on me or the business.
I was reassured that I'm doing a great job. I should really stop doubting myself and just get on with it. Working in an industry where you are judged most of the time is very difficult. I really am loving every minute of it though I do still feel at times that I'm not good enough, that people are going to rumble me and say 'Why is she here, she obviously doesn't belong'. I guess we all have these doubts to a degree when we are changing our pathways. I'm sure we wouldn't be human if we didn't. After all we can't all be perfect. We all make mistakes, Human Error. And of course I'm not terrible at this, otherwise why would my clients be booking in for more treatments?
I'm just being silly. I got to speak to my dear friend Miss W the other day. It's taken a very long time but we spoke and it was wonderful. I think it has made me miss home again though, wishing I could just be out dressing up and dancing and drinking. I miss my girls a lot (and my boys too, don't worry, I've not forgotten you). There just something about having the people you know there with you. I wish that they could share in all the things I'm experiencing out here. It would be wonderful.... Still, maybe I will get that chance to show them.
Perhaps I need to break out from this house, go out and explore the area more, get to know people and make some friends. Its just hard to do on your own. I guess I could book into a hostel in the center. The thing is, not many travelers head to Albury. Even the locals can't understand why I have my base here. Its that it's easy and I don't really have to go far to have everything I need. Most sight-seeing gems are a train or plane ride away. I think that's my conclusion. To head to somewhere else. Be seeing things.
That was my thing about tying myself down with a job . I went through it in my head. I knew it would be a great experience, holding me in good stead for the future, no matter where I end up. Only, it feels as if it is eating into my travel time. The real thing is though, I need to shake myself up and remember that not only is this great experience and will look great on my CV it's actually the thing that is going to fund my trips and adventures over the next few months. And probably help me out when I am home.
I have that travel list to work my way though... Almost an Australia Bucket list! I've booked in a few things but I can't wait for those. I'm too impatient. I need to do something NOW. Shake the boredom. So on my next payday I will put things in place to get me away for a few days. I don't want to be feeling groggy and deflated much longer. I need my space for a few days. I need to be seeing interesting things.
As for those strange, unwanted feelings? Well I need to deal with those too. But could I really do it, Could I say what I need to? Put things out in the open? I probably should. It'll put my mind at rest if nothing else.
But anyway. I'm off to book a flight to somewhere lovely.
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